september 8, 2025
defensive programming & jiu jitsu gyms
i've been sleeping a lot lately.
i sleep through the night without distractions.
running back & forth from place to place during the day
tires me out.
but i'm happy to be busy.
too busy to overthink heavily on things.
tour later this month and i'm incredibly antsy.
i have so many projects on my mind and i want to constantly be
working on them.
bye,
a
august 26, 2025
taught to hate & my search for direct input
i drive myself insane.
going for a smoke.
bye,
a
august 7, 2025
heirlooms & wright street
why can't i remember?
all the things you told me you felt.
where had i gone?
how many times must i hear it be said.
please bear with me.
the many revolutions around my head.
bye,
a
august 6, 2025
absolute batman & my need of self-tapping screws
hi.
how are you?
this week has been long and greuling.
it's only wednesday.
t and i are on the search for apartments in our area
and we've come to realize that landlords are not our friends.
bye,
a
august 3, 2025
commitment & my constant search of it
hi.
how are you?
summer is on its way and i'll be very busy soon.
my birthday was not long ago.
the smell of stone fruits linger.
when will i get there?
bye,
a
ps. please message me, xo
may 14, 2025
localhost:3000
sorry y'all. i get self-conscious whenever i put myself out there and
and i am somewhat an expert at self-sabotage.
i want to be unwavering when it comes to my creativity. i feel an endless
source of it inside of me and i'm constantly researching and wanting to start
new projects. sometimes at the detriment to current projects or even responsibilities.
i am constantly thinking of cool things i could be working on or making but i always
stop myself with thoughts of self-doubt. maybe what i'm making is too dumb, or
maybe no one will care, or that maybe i'm a narcissist for wanting to share things
that i'm working on. me, me , me.
whatever, i'll try to keep these coming.
bye,
a
may 6, 2025
i think i'm dumb
i think i'm dropping out of school. does it really count if it's community
college. i haven't been going for the past few weeks and i've nearly flunked
all my classes i'm taking this semester. i lied to t and to my parents.
the lie felt too natural, too effortless. 'my teacher cancelled today's class',
'it was just a lab today and i'm caught up on my work', or 'im feeling a little sick'.
i preoccupy myself with a million other things just to distract myself from the work.
this website was one of my distractions. i don't think i'm dumb, or incapable of learning.
maybe just too anxious.
bye,
a
may 5, 2025
top 3 bassists of all time
i think if i were to stop smoking i wouldn't know what to do with my hands.
when i put both of my hands in my pockets, it makes me feel small. like i want to tuck
away and disappear into my jeans. if i have my hands by my side i feel aimless, they
belong nowhere and have no goal. so i think i'll keep buying packs at $12.76 and give
my hands purpose for a couple minutes a day.
bye,
a
may 4, 2025
write it on a postcard
i often find myself elsewhere. lost in thought of an imaginary future.
in neither new or old places but yet they feel familiar. i like to think that
this version of me in my thoughts has sorted his life into segments. responibilities,
leisure, and passion. each segment i am an expert. i know how to be responsible at the
highest skill. i know how to relax at the highest effectiveness. i know how to love what i do.
this version of myself doesn't exist nor will he ever but i like to think that he's there, at least
watching me inch closer.
bye,
a
may 3, 2025
dear sir david attenborough,
woke up at 8.
got out of bed 10.
coffee. hashbrowns. sausage.
drove home. showered.
lunch with t and her mom.
bought a new pack of 27's.
thought of my mom.
mario kart.
frozen yogurt.
made dinner with t and her family.
went home.
t and i watched ladybird.
we wrestled.
we're laying in bed.
bye,
a
may 2, 2025
late spring
i have some new opportunities in my life.
i've been struggling lately with deciding on what i should prioritize on.
sorry i don't have much to say today.
bye,
a
may 1, 2025
keanu reeves & my escape from responsibility
in my senior year of highschool, a friend of mine wrote a piece in the school paper
about how he felt alone when being surrounded by his friends. i think about it often.
i think about the fact that at that same time i was feeling the same way in the same
group of friends and that maybe i was contributing to his feeling of lonliness.
i thought that if i laughed louder, was in on more of the jokes, mock others,
i finally would put lonliness behind me.
i wish i had talked to my friend about his piece in the paper, told him how much
i related to him at this time. we're close friends now but i can't help but think
maybe we could have been closer then too.
anyways... i saw keanu reeves lastnight
bye,
a
april 30, 2025
stolen bottles
t tells me i have an active dream state. most mornings i wake up by her side
and i'll tell her about the most fantastical thing or some long lost memory.
some mornings i'll hold my tongue, if it's a dream thats sensitive to me
or something i feel ashamed about. last night i had a dream that i was
waking up in my bed to a bunch of text messages. messages from my mother
who was livid with me and a picture she took of our liquor cabinet downstairs.
she had noticed that i've been stealing bottles. in this dream i felt real
shame. something deep in my stomach had dropped and i felt small.
now really i've been stealing bottles from them since i was a teenager
but this dream brought up feelings that i had never really felt about
the act. i used to feel a rush of adrenaline when doing it later met with anxiety
that i had either taken a bottle that they cared about or that they would find it.
they have never found out.
bye,
a
april 29, 2025
hello world
welcome to my website and my first entry
i gave birth to this website for two reasons:
1. give me a new project that i have 0 experience in.
2. use the website as an outlet to get some more writing out.
i've set a goal for myself to write an entry everyday for a year.
my first goal with this website was to have it completed by my 24th
birthday, in july, but i kinda did it sooner than i imagined(still
a work in progress). i'd also like to use this as a second space to
show yall what i'm up to, photos/videos/etc. i've been tired of instagram
for awhile and currently its off my phone and i just log in on my computer.
hopefully someday in the future i'm able to log out from there
too but i'm still bound by FOMO< / 3
thanks for checking it out,
a