may 14, 2025
localhost:3000
sorry y'all. i get self-conscious whenever i put myself out there and
and i am somewhat an expert at self-sabotage.
i want to be unwavering when it comes to my creativity. i feel an endless
source of it inside of me and i'm constantly researching and wanting to start
new projects. sometimes at the detriment to current projects or even responsibilities.
i am constantly thinking of cool things i could be working on or making but i always
stop myself with thoughts of self-doubt. maybe what i'm making is too dumb, or
maybe no one will care, or that maybe i'm a narcissist for wanting to share things
that i'm working on. me, me , me.
whatever, i'll try to keep these coming.
bye,
a
may 6, 2025
i think i'm dumb
i think i'm dropping out of school. does it really count if it's community
college. i haven't been going for the past few weeks and i've nearly flunked
all my classes i'm taking this semester. i lied to t and to my parents.
the lie felt too natural, too effortless. 'my teacher cancelled today's class',
'it was just a lab today and i'm caught up on my work', or 'im feeling a little sick'.
i preoccupy myself with a million other things just to distract myself from the work.
this website was one of my distractions. i don't think i'm dumb, or incapable of learning.
maybe just too anxious.
bye,
a
may 5, 2025
top 3 bassists of all time
i think if i were to stop smoking i wouldn't know what to do with my hands.
when i put both of my hands in my pockets, it makes me feel small. like i want to tuck
away and disappear into my jeans. if i have my hands by my side i feel aimless, they
belong nowhere and have no goal. so i think i'll keep buying packs at $12.76 and give
my hands purpose for a couple minutes a day.
bye,
a
may 4, 2025
write it on a postcard
i often find myself elsewhere. lost in thought of an imaginary future.
in neither new or old places but yet they feel familiar. i like to think that
this version of me in my thoughts has sorted his life into segments. responibilities,
leisure, and passion. each segment i am an expert. i know how to be responsible at the
highest skill. i know how to relax at the highest effectiveness. i know how to love what i do.
this version of myself doesn't exist nor will he ever but i like to think that he's there, at least
watching me inch closer.
bye,
a
may 3, 2025
dear sir david attenborough,
woke up at 8.
got out of bed 10.
coffee. hashbrowns. sausage.
drove home. showered.
lunch with t and her mom.
bought a new pack of 27's.
thought of my mom.
mario kart.
frozen yogurt.
made dinner with t and her family.
went home.
t and i watched ladybird.
we wrestled.
we're laying in bed.
bye,
a
may 2, 2025
late spring
i have some new opportunities in my life.
i've been struggling lately with deciding on what i should prioritize on.
sorry i don't have much to say today.
bye,
a
may 1, 2025
keanu reeves & my escape from responsibility
in my senior year of highschool, a friend of mine wrote a piece in the school paper
about how he felt alone when being surrounded by his friends. i think about it often.
i think about the fact that at that same time i was feeling the same way in the same
group of friends and that maybe i was contributing to his feeling of lonliness.
i thought that if i laughed louder, was in on more of the jokes, mock others,
i finally would put lonliness behind me.
i wish i had talked to my friend about his piece in the paper, told him how much
i related to him at this time. we're close friends now but i can't help but think
maybe we could have been closer then too.
anyways... i saw keanu reeves lastnight
bye,
a
april 30, 2025
stolen bottles
t tells me i have an active dream state. most mornings i wake up by her side
and i'll tell her about the most fantastical thing or some long lost memory.
some mornings i'll hold my tongue, if it's a dream thats sensitive to me
or something i feel ashamed about. last night i had a dream that i was
waking up in my bed to a bunch of text messages. messages from my mother
who was livid with me and a picture she took of our liquor cabinet downstairs.
she had noticed that i've been stealing bottles. in this dream i felt real
shame. something deep in my stomach had dropped and i felt small.
now really i've been stealing bottles from them since i was a teenager
but this dream brought up feelings that i had never really felt about
the act. i used to feel a rush of adrenaline when doing it later met with anxiety
that i had either taken a bottle that they cared about or that they would find it.
they have never found out.
bye,
a
april 29, 2025
hello world
welcome to my website and my first entry
i gave birth to this website for two reasons:
1. give me a new project that i have 0 experience in.
2. use the website as an outlet to get some more writing out.
i've set a goal for myself to write an entry everyday for a year.
my first goal with this website was to have it completed by my 24th
birthday, in july, but i kinda did it sooner than i imagined(still
a work in progress). i'd also like to use this as a second space to
show yall what i'm up to, photos/videos/etc. i've been tired of instagram
for awhile and currently its off my phone and i just log in on my computer.
hopefully someday in the future i'm able to log out from there
too but i'm still bound by FOMO< / 3
thanks for checking it out,
a